On A Mountain He Sits, Not Of Gold But Of Shit

I Love You

Hi,

I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t notice that I didn’t hear from you yesterday. And I’m not going to lie and say that it didn’t hurt, that I’m not still hurt. And I’m not going to lie about the fact that the only thing on my mind yesterday was hanging myself.

It’s hard to not feel like you don’t care. It’s difficult to love you without anger getting in the way. You’re still the one I want to hear from the most, every day.

But I spent the day talking to Kp instead, and she helped me realise some things.

So I’m just here to say, I know I haven’t behaved well, I know I haven’t responded well, and I’m sorry. It’s been rough, being without you.

But I’m learning. I’m learning to let go of my anger, and I’m learning to forgive you. I’m not there yet, but I understand a little better, so I’m a little closer.

I also want to let you know that I’m going away for awhile, I don’t know how long for. I’m taking a vow of silence and cutting social media out of my life. So don’t freak out that I’ve disappeared, and if I don’t come back, well, try to remember me kindly. In the meantime, if you need to reach me for any reason, I’ll be checking my WhatsApp and email.

I love you so much, and I will continue to do so until you tell me to stop.

I’m sorry for everything. I’m learning.

I miss you, I hope you’re happy.

I love you.

Bye.

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Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like “maybe we should just be friends” or “how very perceptive” turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

- Neil Gaiman, The Kindly Ones (Sandman #9)

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thelovejournals:

“I want to be the kind of person you want to be with all your life I want to be warm sunsets and cherry wine I want to be old leather bound books and coffee on the windowsill I want to be the ray of sunlight that makes your eyes shine and I want to be able to make you happy because you make me smile.”

— r.b

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19h 15min

I can’t sleep. It’s 6:45 and I’ve been awake for 19 hours and 15 minutes as of now. I’ll probably get to 21 hours at least before I finally pass out. This has been my nightly routine since December 31st.

I’ve also lost about 7kg so far, because I’ve lost my appetite for everything. Including food. So I’ve only been eating about once every two days.

I’ve cried for about 5 hours of the 19+ hours I’ve been awake. It makes it hard to sleep when my nose is clogged. Haha.

I’m not myself, I know. I’m trying to heal. I’ve been trying very hard to look after myself, just so you know. I don’t know how to stop this. And I don’t know what to do, I wish I did. But I’ve been trying so hard. Promise.

I’m so tired. In all senses of the word. I don’t know what to do to stop it. So I guess I’ll just keep doing my best and hoping it’ll be good enough for something at some point.

I’m sorry I’m sad that you left me the way you did, and that my sadness makes you upset. I’m sorry I don’t know how to stop loving you. I’m sorry I’m me.

Not that it makes any difference.

I love you.

I miss you.

Always.

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dk-thrive:

“Highly sensitive (introverted) people process their environments - both physical and emotional - unusually deeply. They tend to notice subtleties that others miss - another person’s shift in mood, or a lightbulb burning a touch too brightly.”

— Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (Broadway Books, January 24, 2012)

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onlinecounsellingcollege:

“You can only let someone throw so many stones at you before you pick them all up, put them together, and build a wall to keep them from doing it again.”

— Chellise Work

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juansendizon:

“Some people who are very sad simply don’t have the time to express it because of school/work, and that’s very sad. To know that there are people out there who don’t get therapy for their emotional/mental issues because one therapy session is like a month’s worth of groceries. And it’s just so fucking sad that some of them may one day have a panic attack and get fired or drop out of college because of a mental breakdown. And that’s what happened to me when I was in my last year in college. And that’s what happened to my brother when he was in his last year in high school. And I guess my only advice to people who feel like they’re on the verge of collapsing is that they should seek professional help before something really terrible happens to them because one incident could change a lifetime. And it’s better to be managed while you’re still whole because once you’re in pieces everything you do to recover leaves some kind of scar. And people who are walking with some kind of scar may feel like they don’t belong in the world they once called home.”

— Juansen Dizon, Before It’s Too Late

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onlinecounsellingcollege:

“All relationships have one law: never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you are there.”

— Unknown

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